Recognizing Relational Aggression in Children

By:  Maura L. Johnson

In their early years, children’s friendships are often primarily facilitated by proximity, parental connections and playdates. Children may appear to play with just about everyone in pre and early elementary school, with the classroom wide birthday parties especially common. Having a preferred friend or friends is certainly common, though generally, most kids socialize happily with all of their peers. Then one day, your child comes home from school, visibly distressed and even more confused. They tell you they’re being excluded at recess, ignored or possibly even flat out told by a close friend that they no longer want to be around them. Perhaps they discovered a peer has been telling others to avoid them, driving the exclusion even deeper. Your heart breaks for them as you remember how painful this can be, while also wondering “when did it all change?”

Many of us can recall experiencing these scenarios throughout life, which are not exclusive to childhood. The term “relational aggression” refers to a type of aggression that harms someone by damaging their relationships or social standing rather than by physically harming or directly threatening them. This can look like purposeful exclusion from activities, social manipulation (spreading rumors or turning others against someone), threatening to end friendships if one doesn’t do what the other wants, and social humiliation. Relational aggression differs from other forms of aggression due to its primary focus on the peer group. While physical aggression is more directly observable by others, relational aggression is more subtle, though not necessarily less harmful.

Recognizing relational aggression is imperative to assisting children in both coping with and avoiding it, when possible. Anyone can have a bad day and become irritable or sullen towards someone they consider a close friend. However, teaching children to recognize patterns of hurtful behavior and exclusion can assist them in building confidence and truly finding “their people”. 

Some signs that your child is on the receiving end of relational aggression may include:

• Suddenly avoiding school, activities, or particular children

• Seeming anxious, sad, irritable, embarrassed, or unusually quiet

• Saying they have no friends or that others are excluding them

• Having trouble sleeping and/or reporting physical distress

• Losing interest in activities they previously enjoyed

• Coming home upset but not talking about it

• Showing declining school performance or reluctance to participate

• Becoming unusually concerned about appearance or social status

• Deleting social media accounts, preoccupation with messages or notifications

Alternatively, your child may be utilizing relational aggression towards peers themselves. While this can be a hard pill to swallow, it doesn’t mean they cannot learn and grow away from this behavior. If you discover your child is engaging in relational aggression within their peer group(s), approach them with curiosity. The goal is to stop the harmful behavior, but also to gain an understanding of what is driving it and improve their overall social skills. Talk with them privately, name the behaviors, listen without excusing and focus on repair versus a forced apology. While our instinct is to make our children apologize for hurtful behavior, assisting them in making amends sincerely is far more impactful. This could include removing harmful or insulting information posted online, correcting any harmful information they shared and/or including the other child(ren) appropriately.  

Navigating peer relationships can be especially challenging as adolescence approaches. It’s natural for friendships to evolve and even fade over time as individual preferences change. However, building our kids' resiliency is key to understanding, confronting, and hopefully avoiding relational aggression.  

Relational aggression is a type of aggression that harms someone by damaging their relationships or social standing rather than by physical harm or direct threats.

Common forms

• Exclusion: leaving someone out, refusing to let them join group activities

• Social manipulation: turning others against someone, spreading rumors, telling others to “not be friends”

• Threats to relationships: “If you don’t do X, I’ll stop being your friend”

• Humiliation in social contexts: embarrassing someone in front of peers, mocking reputation/standing

  
  

How it differs from other aggression

• Relational aggression focuses on the peer group/social network.

• Physical aggression uses hitting/physical intimidation.

• Verbal aggression uses direct insults or yelling without primarily targeting social status.

Why it matters

It can contribute to:

• loneliness, anxiety, and low self-esteem

• peer rejection or “social retaliation” cycles

• difficulties at school/work due to strained relationships